happy.

photo taken by lindsey redfern

baby, it's cold outside.

i'm a little upset because the "embedding has been disabled by request" for every single youtube video of the zooey deschanel version of baby, it's cold outside. random. for those of you who haven't heard it, listen to it here. i love it. for a few reasons.

reason number one.

zooey deschanel. for female celebrity crushes. she's in my top three. (the other two being amanda bynes and rachel mcadams. of course). she is adorable. i know she doesn't have the most amazing voice, but i love the edge to it. somebody once told me i sounded like her when singing. i about died. if only.

reason number two.

when it comes to christmas music (aside from choral music like oh, holy night sung by josh groban or david archuleta) i love the classics. none of those cheesy covers that you hear in almost every store. i like it old school style. you know-- dean martin, frank sinatra, michael buble, etc. i could listen to them all night long snuggled on the couch with some hot cocoa. "baby, it's cold outside," definitely fits into this category.

reason number three.

it's from elf. i mean c'mon. great movie.

since i couldn't post zooey's version. watch this. it's pretty funny.

happy december.

i'm back in icy, snowy utah. i miss the beautiful fall leaves in virginia. and the people there too. obviously. but i am excited for winter because that means christmas is closer. i can't wait to see my family and be in california. i miss them. it's only two weeks and a day. i can do it. i won't get any sleep until the 17th. but i can do it.

thanksgiving. it was amazing. sorry, i only have phone pictures.

he wore my huge soccer jersey.

we found this ancient picture from a youth dance. hahaha

i am done waiting.

i waited 8 months while he was at BYU during my senior year of high school.

i waited six months for him to leave on his mission--because he broke his ankle and couldn't leave when he was called.

i waited 2 years while he served the Lord in Mexico.

during those two years i waited MONTHS at a time to receive letters because the mail situation was less than desirable.

i waited an extra month for him to get back in the United States--because he extended.

i've waited ANOTHER three weeks for Thanksgiving Break--because I can't afford to leave school and i wanted to give him a few weeks of transition time.

folks. the time has come. in a little over 24 hours i will be getting on a plane. that plane will take me to Atlanta, where i will get on another plane. and that plane will take me to Virginia. where chris redfern will be waiting for me.

Even though things have been off and on during each of these waiting periods. even though we have spent a lot of time apart and have a lot to catch up on. even though after all this i still have to wait another month and a half for him to come back to BYU. even though i can't promise what will or will not come out of all of this. one thing is for sure. tomorrow night. TOMORROW NIGHT. i will be reunited with one of my very very best friends. and no matter what happens, i will always love this boy. because he knows me better than most people ever will and his faith in me has given me motivation to be a better person.

i could pee my pants i'm so excited.

(this is us as babies)

more.

lately i've been having an overwhelming desire to change the world.

i want to make a difference.

there is so much more to life than the world portrays. my time would be better spent if i focused less on myself and more on others.

i'll be gone til november.

and give a kiss to my motha. i used to listen to this song last winter thinking november would never come. and now it's here.

so much on my mind.

this week i have two GIANT math tests and a presentation. all on thursday. but thursday couldn't come any slower!!!! sounds backwards right?? well, i left out one minor detail. CHRIS IS COMING HOME! oh my gosh. i can't breath.

sniffles

snow in october plus staying up all night doing math homework equals one sick hanna. sore throat, sneezing, headache, runny nose...the works. i wish it were possible to take a day off! but no can do. provo better stay clear cuz there's no stopping me people. i figure since it's halloween i have more of an excuse to look half dead everyday this week. right? but at least my phone isn't janky anymore! after four trips to the mall i finally purchased a new one :).

ps. nine days left. also, since when is saying "I'm jealous" the same thing as saying "I'm happy for you?" Isn't that contradictory? i know that i have said that a million times without meaning it, and i will try to stop. Because really? it doesn't sound meaningful and it's slightly annoying and selfish.

can't a girl just be homesick?

i made a very last minute decision to go home this weekend. my family didn't respond the way i thought they would. it was actually really funny. don't get me wrong, they are all very excited, but last night as i skyped my sister she asked me why i was coming home. apparently, it's been the topic of discussion back in the 707. heather guessed it was because chris was coming home. then she realized his family doesn't live in california anymore and he doesn't get home for two more weeks. my favorite guess was made by my grandma. she suggested that i was engaged and was flying back with my fiance to show the ring. HAHAHAHAHA. grandma, who on earth would i be engaged to right now? last i checked you had to be exclusively dating one person for that to happen. after several more ridiculous guesses, i told my family that i just miss them and i miss california. i spent a total of three weeks there all summer. that's not enough! and we won't be spending thanksgiving break in california so i won't be able to go back until christmas. that's just too long. plus, it's been a deeeem hard semester for me. i just want to get away. shoot dang, can't a girl be homesick for once? i want to snuggle with my baby brothers. i want to hang out with my sisters. i want to eat my momma's cookin. i want to beat my dad at scrabble. i want to play on our piano. i want to sit on the porch. i want to drive down green valley and watch the sunset. i just want HOME! let that be enough.

get off your ath, let's do some math.

what started off as a bad day has quickly changed for the better. i feel fresh, rejuvenated and excited about life. oh, what a feeling.

the past few weeks--scratch that--months have been nothing short from complete chaos. i have asked myself 1oo times why i torture myself with so many math classes when i'm thinking about double majoring anyway. it's almost impossible to stay caught up in every class when there is homework due everyday. i feel like i am constantly doing math. math. math.(and soccer). and because i have ADD i don't always understand what it is that we are talking about all of the time. because i'll get distracted. needless to say, it has been overwhelming.

but it's days like today that remind me why i decided to be a math ed major. i might not be one of those nerds who knows everything, it might take me a little bit to fully grasp certain concepts, but overall...i enjoy math. i find it intriguing that mathematical formulas and theories have been progressing since the beginning of time. i have always enjoyed puzzles and games that involve mathematical thinking. (which by the way, more games involve math than you would think...don't tell my roomies, but this is why i win at cards and scrabble almost every time). and on top of that i like kids and i like helping people.

i just sometimes forget this fact when i am covered head to toe in assignments that i don't understand. even though it is frustrating to get a bad grade on a test or an assignment, i know that when i put my mind to something i CAN figure it out. it just might take me a little while, and i might need a little help. the only problem i have now is finding the time to focus on the details of my math classes. and the desire to do so.

i'm not sure what sparked my interest today. i really have no idea why i'm having a good math day. maybe it's because two of my math teachers noticed me today? (which is unfortunate because i slept in and look like hell) maybe it's because it's the weekend and i just finished two difficult tests? i don't know. but i do know that this excitement was much needed. last friday after the day was over i felt very depressed. i got home after being on campus for 12 hours and i just wanted to cry. and cry. i felt so little and insignificant. and on top of that i felt like i had no time for life anymore. This was after i had taken my mathematical proofs test, so i was a little exhausted.

Now back to present time. Today, i went up to my proofs teacher to tell him that my homework assignment wasn't handed back to me. He asked me for my name and he started writing a reminder on his paper "email grader about Hanna Bennion's assignment." Shocked, i noted that he spelled my name with no H at the end. No one ever knows how to spell my name right. His response "Ah, yes. That's because i was just grading your test earlier and i was very impressed with your performance." i was speechless.

This particular teacher happens to be the most mathematically inspired intellectual i have ever met. For example, today we were supposed to talk about chapter seven but he got side tracked because he was too excited about this proof that he has been discovering for twenty years about a triple bubble in space....whattt? Who spends time discovering new proofs? Smart, devoted people. that's who. and he happened to be impressed with my work. who knows if he was talking about the entire test, or one tiny proof that won't count much for my grade. i don't care. it was enough for me to get remotivated. that's why today is going to be a good day.

in the long run, who cares about a few low scores. it's all about the learning experience, anyway. i have recited this so many times in my life, but i have never really listened to it. i think for the first time i can actually apply it.

i hope i can keep this new found desire to learn going next week. i could really use it.

And since we're on the subject of math-- i'm starting to notice that a lot of math teachers tell jokes when they teach. But they don't let you know when they do. have they always done this? has it just gone over my head? should i be worried that now i understand these jokes? i'm sure there are plenty more that i still don't catch...but the number of jokes only increase the farther up in math i get.

gratitude

i am so grateful for modern day apostles and prophets that live and testify of Christ. I know i am a week late, but it is such an amazing opportunity to listen to living scripture during General Conference. I love and adore our prophets, seers, and revelators. They are truly men of God. I know that if we live by the Spirit, we will come to know that their words are true.

President Thomas S. Monson is, indeed, a Prophet of God. In the words of Elder Jeffrey R. Holland: "Not one of us could serve without your prayers and without your support. Your loyalty and your love mean more to us than we can ever possibly say."

I am grateful for his example of compassion. His caring words and loving presence this Fall brought tears of gratitude to my eyes.

I have a lot to improve on and at times I feel undeserving of such love and such blessings. I hope that by following his teachings and remembering his words i will be able to better emulate charity, patience, and an attitude of gratitude toward those who have both let me down and lifted me up.

currently.

i have no time for a life. and it's starting to really get to me. it's depressing. it's tiring.

ps. today is the two year mark.

janky.

This is my phone.

I've had it since freshman year. That's not too bad, right? I love my phone. It's blue. It's cute. I can text, call, take pictures. That's all i care about. That's all i need.

Despite my attatchment to this piece of technology, my phone is janky. It turns off all the time (sometimes for days at a time), the charger doesn't work, the camera has been broken for months--it's janky. I have to admit, i do drop my phone. a lot. But i HAVE had it for two years. If it's still functional that says something. right?

Despite months and months of avoiding the verizon store, i have accepted the fact that it is time for a new phone. Earlier this week i went to get one, but things didn't work out. they didn't have my model anymore. it had retired. i had to pick a new one. one with a required internet bill once a month, a "smart phone." ugh. i'm still getting a new phone, it's just taking a little longer than expected.

i was content with my decision. i was ready to let go of the light blue chocolate that stood through my toughest college experiences.

And THEN something happened. today (no lie) somebody told me not to expect to get asked on dates if i had a flip phone. They said I couldn't compete in the dating market unless i accepted new innovations. Am i not allowed to enjoy the simplicity of the 12 button text pad? Must i conform to this keypad/touch screen generation? Must i??

i mean, i had every intention to do so in the next few days. but now that i know my dating life depends on it, i am having second thoughts. the last vibe i want to give off is that i label my self-worth by my material belongings. and the last man i would want to attract is one who judges me based on something as meaningless as a cell phone.

whose bed have ya' boots been under?

i'm waiting at a crosswalk to cross the street. A very very old man in an extremely masculine looking yellow convertible sports car (with the top down) comes racing by. This same man happens to be blasting his loud, new, fancy stereo so that everyone who is within a mile can hear his music to perfection. His song choice? Shania Twain- "Whose Bed Have Your Boots Been Under?"

(Ironically, the old man i saw looked a lot like the one in this video at 0:51...white stache and all)

As if this story couldn't get better. I walk through a few buildings and out into another parking lot. The same man happens to drive by me for a second time. With another classic Shania Twain hit.

Needless to say. The morning that had me in nearly tears turned into uncontrollable laughter on my walk home from campus. Thank you, old man.

i need.

to hike a mountain.

i miss the wilderness.

when i was five i married a man named rebecca.

He had red hair and was at least 20 years older than me. In efforts to avoid this event, i hid in my wedding dress. It happened to be hanging in a closet in the middle of a meadow.

This is one of the earliest dreams that i can remember in detail. Am i the only one who is constantly dreaming? i'm talkin' long, vivid, bizarre dreams. dang near e'ry night. Dreams that feel so real, it takes a good 30 seconds after waking up to realize who and where you really are.

The other day i was talking to a friend who claims that he never has dreams. If he does, he doesn't remember them. Because of this, he has a hard time believing people when they give outrageous dream recaps. He's convinced that his roommate makes up dreams just so he can have a crazy story to tell. I decided it would be better not to mention to him that the night before I had dreamt that i was in a 1970's horror film that involved giant killer whales.

It was terrifying.

remember

I spent a lot of my Saturday watching the history channel with my roommate. Watching footage from September 11, 2001 brought that day back so vividly. It felt so surreal. I cannot believe that it has been 9 years since America was attacked. I will never forget how I felt that day or the many days following it.

"It's a memory of tragedy and shock, of loss and mourning. It's also a memory of bravery and self-sacrifice, and the love that lays down its life for a friend--even a friend whose name it never knew."

-George W. Bush

ranch life.

There's this thing called Post Ranch Depression. Approximately 70 or so people suffer from this disorder once a year. It's real. And it bites.

This summer i worked at Birch Creek Service Ranch as a counselor/cook for teenagers.

I've been back in civilization for a month and I still find myself bringing the ranch into my daily conversations. I know that it's annoying. I can't help it, people.

The reason post ranch depression is so common

is because of how real and true the ranch makes people feel. We have no rules, but we live and teach principles: be service oriented, think of others first, and challenge yourself. By following these principles and by serving others side by side, kids start to build REAL friendships that have substance rather than relationships based on outside stereotypes.

We have a camp creed that hangs on the wall by the kitchen. It has become one of my favorite quotes:

"Learn to like what doesn't cost much.
Learn to like reading, conversation, music.
Learn to like plain food, plain service, plain cooking.
Learn to like fields, trees, brooks, hiking, rowing, climbing hills.
Learn to like people, even though some of them may be different...different f

rom you.
Learn to like to work and enjoy the satisfaction doing your job as well as it can be done.
Learn to like the song of birds, the companionship of dogs.
Learn to like gardening, puttering around the house, and fixing things.
Learn to like the sunrise and sunset, the beating of rain on the roof and windows, and the gentle fall of snow on a winter day.
Learn to keep your wants simple and refuse to be controlled by the likes and dislikes of others."
— Lowell Bennion

One of the biggest lessons that I have learned from the ranch over the years is to enjoy the simple things in life. It's easy to get caught up in materialistic luxuries; it's easy to take all of the little blessings for granted. But, if we fill up our lives with the small and simple joys, we can have a life full of true happiness. At the ranch we are temporarily outside of the real world. We live in complete simplicity. That's why we love it. That's why we keep coming.

Symptoms of Post Ranch Depression consist of random desires to sleep outside, to call locals and offer yard assistance, and to eat excessive amounts of oatmeal. If you find yourself feeling guilty for sleeping in a comfortable bed and for taking daily showers, there is a large possibility that you have PRD. If you think you might be suffering from Post Ranch Depression, please contact fellow campers and counselors for support.

big steps in the bennion home

This weekend I flew home for the first time since Christmas; it was a very, VERY quick visit. It is a bittersweet experience to come back and see how much the family has changed. All my wittle babies are growing up! Anybody who is an oldest sibling can understand the natural "Big Sister Instincts" that i have always had growing up at home.

For those of you who are unaware, let me fill you in. As big sisters:

- we have (false) authority as a third parent...whatever we say is right, don't question it.

-we are convinced that we have taught our younger siblings everything they know...don't try to convince us otherwise.

-we display over-protective behavior...NO ONE messes with our younger siblings, that's our job, duh.

- -and here's the biggest Big Sister secret: we act like our younger siblings are annoying as if we don't care about their lives...In reality, we love them to death and sincerely want the most for them.

Now that everyone is on the same page, I would like to take this opportunity to brag about my own sibs. Because shoot dang, it has been a big month for the Bennion kids!

1. Haley Jenet graduated from Rodriguez High School. Whatt?? When did she grow up? She will always be the cute, stubborn, little tomboy who played street hockey with me in the backyard. I already have a sister that is graduating? That makes me feel old. I am so excited and anxious for my little sis to start figuring out the rest of her life. She has so much to offer!

2. Heidi Jayne turned the big SEVENTEEN on June 1st. I feel like it was just last year when she couldn't say her R's and would say her birthday was on 'june foyst.' But, she's about to be a Senior. It blows my mind. She's been counting down the days until college ever since I left, haha. Stop! Enjoy your time at home, girl!

3. Heather Lenore graduated from Middle School. She'll be in High School next year. I swear she grew up overnight. Swear it. When i left home she was still my baby sister who played with stuffed animals. All of a sudden she's a texting teenager with boy problems?? And she's the same size as me? I can't handle this!

4. Hunter Wood was baptized on Saturday. (The reason I went home for the weekend). My sweet, sweet little Hunter. It kills me that he is already 8 years old. Words cannot express how much joy i felt after watching him make the decision to join the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. Tears. It was such a special experience, I wouldn't have traded it for the world.

5. Haydn Arthur graduated from Pre-School. My BABY is a little school boy? Not to be redundant or anything, but i can't handle this!! I was 16 when he was born, and yes i was in the hospital too. (It was my parents form of teenage birth control). He will always be my wittle baby.

Big stuff right? A lot of transitions. I am so proud of each one of my little H's. I love them more than they could ever know. But of course none of them could have been so great if it weren't for Howarde and Holly. me mom and dad. Dear rents, thanks for always being there. And for having great style too ;).

Love, Hanna Marie

san diego

last weekend i got to spend time with my mother and three sisters. We all met up in San Diego for Bristyl's (gorgeous) wedding. It was fun to be with all the Bennion women and to reminisce with old friends in old places. Oh, my childhood. I do miss it.

fringe?

kate (my good friend that lives down the hall--i practically live with her) cut my bangs a few days ago. I had been thinking about going for the straight cut all year but couldn't find the courage to do so. i finally did it. first time i've had fringe all the way across since elementary school. luckily they are long enough that i can still sweep them to the side if i need to.

i said...BRING ON THE SPRING

so far it's been rainy and snowy and cold! This isn't what i bargained for!

bring on the spring.

Love. love. lOVE.

(doodle of the day)

is the theme of 2010. everyone is getting married. EVERYONE. but that's just how it rolls at byu. Fall = the meeting. Winter = the engagement. Spring = the wedding. While I don't particularly see myself falling into this BYU trap, it happens to hundreds--HUNDREDS--every time. But hey, i'm happy for them. What's right is right...(let's just hope it's right).

schooool.

(picture taken as soon as my last final was completed)

Winter Semester of 2010 is overrrr. can i get a woot woot? Hellooo Spring. Bring on the bathing suits, sunglasses, tans, and barefooted soccer matches in the grass...i am so ready. Still wishing there was a longer break between the two semesters, but hey, what can you do? Classes start again on Tuesday (which unfortunately is my birthday). I'm excited for the sun and warmth, not so much the continuation of classes.

home.

(photo credit--Howard Bennion)

BUT. I do miss northern california very, very much. It has been four months. I just want to be with my family! I miss green valley! Hopefully I can find a weekend to squeeze a visit in.

and of course, foof.

(Elder Chris Redfern, serving in Tampico, Mexico)

my best friend in the entire world turned 21 on april 12th (12

days ago). Yea, yea...i didn't blog on time, what else is new? Happy late birthday ma dear. I remember when you turned 16. That was five years ago. Can you say crazzy?? i can. feliz cumpleanos a ti.

lOVE,

hanna marie

san felipe

Last week my favorite people in this world went to my favorite place in this world.

My family went to San Felipe, Mexico for their Spring Break. (without me). After spending time there two or three times a year for 14 years of my life, the lack of visits has left me with some SERIOUS withdrawals. Once we moved to northern california our trips to mexico became fewer and fewer. The last time I visited was at the end of my junior year in high school. Three years ago. THREE YEARS! please, take me back! i miss my childhood. So many memories at this place.

I miss waking up to this in the morning,

because we were sleeping on the porch to see it.

i miss watching this after dinner.

i miss finding things in the tide during the day.

i miss eating tacos back in town and buying random trinkets.

i miss riding 4-wheelers all over the dunes and trails.

i miss making sand castles.

i miss fireworks in the dark.

i miss looking for sea glass on long walks.

i miss kayaking as far out as i can before i get too scared to go any farther.

i miss the card games, the easter egg hunts, the turkey bowl soccer games on the beach....

but most of all, i miss my family. i miss laughing, joking, and just spending time with them away from the world.

provo acoustics

tonight i went to the velour. There were actually some pretty good bands. Drew capener's band (parlor hawk) played. They were rad. I love good music.

forgetting

i recently rediscovered eet by regina spektor. It captures the feelings i have been having off and on for the past few months. almost perfectly. isn't it scary when you find songs like that?

happy late easter yo

this is how i spent mine :).

with two of my favorite little boys.