so much on my mind.

this week i have two GIANT math tests and a presentation. all on thursday. but thursday couldn't come any slower!!!! sounds backwards right?? well, i left out one minor detail. CHRIS IS COMING HOME! oh my gosh. i can't breath.

sniffles

snow in october plus staying up all night doing math homework equals one sick hanna. sore throat, sneezing, headache, runny nose...the works. i wish it were possible to take a day off! but no can do. provo better stay clear cuz there's no stopping me people. i figure since it's halloween i have more of an excuse to look half dead everyday this week. right? but at least my phone isn't janky anymore! after four trips to the mall i finally purchased a new one :).

ps. nine days left. also, since when is saying "I'm jealous" the same thing as saying "I'm happy for you?" Isn't that contradictory? i know that i have said that a million times without meaning it, and i will try to stop. Because really? it doesn't sound meaningful and it's slightly annoying and selfish.

can't a girl just be homesick?

i made a very last minute decision to go home this weekend. my family didn't respond the way i thought they would. it was actually really funny. don't get me wrong, they are all very excited, but last night as i skyped my sister she asked me why i was coming home. apparently, it's been the topic of discussion back in the 707. heather guessed it was because chris was coming home. then she realized his family doesn't live in california anymore and he doesn't get home for two more weeks. my favorite guess was made by my grandma. she suggested that i was engaged and was flying back with my fiance to show the ring. HAHAHAHAHA. grandma, who on earth would i be engaged to right now? last i checked you had to be exclusively dating one person for that to happen. after several more ridiculous guesses, i told my family that i just miss them and i miss california. i spent a total of three weeks there all summer. that's not enough! and we won't be spending thanksgiving break in california so i won't be able to go back until christmas. that's just too long. plus, it's been a deeeem hard semester for me. i just want to get away. shoot dang, can't a girl be homesick for once? i want to snuggle with my baby brothers. i want to hang out with my sisters. i want to eat my momma's cookin. i want to beat my dad at scrabble. i want to play on our piano. i want to sit on the porch. i want to drive down green valley and watch the sunset. i just want HOME! let that be enough.

get off your ath, let's do some math.

what started off as a bad day has quickly changed for the better. i feel fresh, rejuvenated and excited about life. oh, what a feeling.

the past few weeks--scratch that--months have been nothing short from complete chaos. i have asked myself 1oo times why i torture myself with so many math classes when i'm thinking about double majoring anyway. it's almost impossible to stay caught up in every class when there is homework due everyday. i feel like i am constantly doing math. math. math.(and soccer). and because i have ADD i don't always understand what it is that we are talking about all of the time. because i'll get distracted. needless to say, it has been overwhelming.

but it's days like today that remind me why i decided to be a math ed major. i might not be one of those nerds who knows everything, it might take me a little bit to fully grasp certain concepts, but overall...i enjoy math. i find it intriguing that mathematical formulas and theories have been progressing since the beginning of time. i have always enjoyed puzzles and games that involve mathematical thinking. (which by the way, more games involve math than you would think...don't tell my roomies, but this is why i win at cards and scrabble almost every time). and on top of that i like kids and i like helping people.

i just sometimes forget this fact when i am covered head to toe in assignments that i don't understand. even though it is frustrating to get a bad grade on a test or an assignment, i know that when i put my mind to something i CAN figure it out. it just might take me a little while, and i might need a little help. the only problem i have now is finding the time to focus on the details of my math classes. and the desire to do so.

i'm not sure what sparked my interest today. i really have no idea why i'm having a good math day. maybe it's because two of my math teachers noticed me today? (which is unfortunate because i slept in and look like hell) maybe it's because it's the weekend and i just finished two difficult tests? i don't know. but i do know that this excitement was much needed. last friday after the day was over i felt very depressed. i got home after being on campus for 12 hours and i just wanted to cry. and cry. i felt so little and insignificant. and on top of that i felt like i had no time for life anymore. This was after i had taken my mathematical proofs test, so i was a little exhausted.

Now back to present time. Today, i went up to my proofs teacher to tell him that my homework assignment wasn't handed back to me. He asked me for my name and he started writing a reminder on his paper "email grader about Hanna Bennion's assignment." Shocked, i noted that he spelled my name with no H at the end. No one ever knows how to spell my name right. His response "Ah, yes. That's because i was just grading your test earlier and i was very impressed with your performance." i was speechless.

This particular teacher happens to be the most mathematically inspired intellectual i have ever met. For example, today we were supposed to talk about chapter seven but he got side tracked because he was too excited about this proof that he has been discovering for twenty years about a triple bubble in space....whattt? Who spends time discovering new proofs? Smart, devoted people. that's who. and he happened to be impressed with my work. who knows if he was talking about the entire test, or one tiny proof that won't count much for my grade. i don't care. it was enough for me to get remotivated. that's why today is going to be a good day.

in the long run, who cares about a few low scores. it's all about the learning experience, anyway. i have recited this so many times in my life, but i have never really listened to it. i think for the first time i can actually apply it.

i hope i can keep this new found desire to learn going next week. i could really use it.

And since we're on the subject of math-- i'm starting to notice that a lot of math teachers tell jokes when they teach. But they don't let you know when they do. have they always done this? has it just gone over my head? should i be worried that now i understand these jokes? i'm sure there are plenty more that i still don't catch...but the number of jokes only increase the farther up in math i get.

gratitude

i am so grateful for modern day apostles and prophets that live and testify of Christ. I know i am a week late, but it is such an amazing opportunity to listen to living scripture during General Conference. I love and adore our prophets, seers, and revelators. They are truly men of God. I know that if we live by the Spirit, we will come to know that their words are true.

President Thomas S. Monson is, indeed, a Prophet of God. In the words of Elder Jeffrey R. Holland: "Not one of us could serve without your prayers and without your support. Your loyalty and your love mean more to us than we can ever possibly say."

I am grateful for his example of compassion. His caring words and loving presence this Fall brought tears of gratitude to my eyes.

I have a lot to improve on and at times I feel undeserving of such love and such blessings. I hope that by following his teachings and remembering his words i will be able to better emulate charity, patience, and an attitude of gratitude toward those who have both let me down and lifted me up.

currently.

i have no time for a life. and it's starting to really get to me. it's depressing. it's tiring.

ps. today is the two year mark.

janky.

This is my phone.

I've had it since freshman year. That's not too bad, right? I love my phone. It's blue. It's cute. I can text, call, take pictures. That's all i care about. That's all i need.

Despite my attatchment to this piece of technology, my phone is janky. It turns off all the time (sometimes for days at a time), the charger doesn't work, the camera has been broken for months--it's janky. I have to admit, i do drop my phone. a lot. But i HAVE had it for two years. If it's still functional that says something. right?

Despite months and months of avoiding the verizon store, i have accepted the fact that it is time for a new phone. Earlier this week i went to get one, but things didn't work out. they didn't have my model anymore. it had retired. i had to pick a new one. one with a required internet bill once a month, a "smart phone." ugh. i'm still getting a new phone, it's just taking a little longer than expected.

i was content with my decision. i was ready to let go of the light blue chocolate that stood through my toughest college experiences.

And THEN something happened. today (no lie) somebody told me not to expect to get asked on dates if i had a flip phone. They said I couldn't compete in the dating market unless i accepted new innovations. Am i not allowed to enjoy the simplicity of the 12 button text pad? Must i conform to this keypad/touch screen generation? Must i??

i mean, i had every intention to do so in the next few days. but now that i know my dating life depends on it, i am having second thoughts. the last vibe i want to give off is that i label my self-worth by my material belongings. and the last man i would want to attract is one who judges me based on something as meaningless as a cell phone.